Heaven

God woke me up for another sunrise. I'm 28, healthy, present, grateful, excited, curious, a Capricorn Sun / Pisces Moon / Life Path 9, black, gay, artist, lover, child, teacher, person of multitudes. I'm peacefully writing these words in bed, a restful meditation. Music is my writing partner as always.

I couldn't have imagined this moment, but I'm truly in love. A quiet contentment has been washing over me in my almost 2 months of sobriety by choice: the clarity is intoxicating. It's made me so much happier, a better listener, miles more patient, lighthearted, even tempered, loving. I feel like my teenage self coupled with an extra 10 years life experience, like I'm playing New Game+ mode with all the extra power-ups. Life is so good.

I face many unknowns, but they do not own me. I am a spiritual being having a human experience, and the immeasurable joy I feel is far greater than any fear or ounce of doubt. Peace and joy have become the primary motivators in my life, second only to trusting my intuition. My inner voice (God speaking quietly and clearly) guides me, and it makes my heart flutter just to think about it. We know everything we need to know with this power, and we can always pray for help with the unknowns. Ask and you shall receive, seek and you shall find. I finally understand this to be as true as the air we breathe.

Trusting God is like trusting gravity.

I'm trying so many new things and revisiting pleasures from my past. I watch so much comedy, listen to a steady diet of music (excluding violent / negative / depressing lyrics as they lower my vibration), dancing around the house for the hell of it without a camera in sight, eating healthy meals, meditating every day, manifesting a magical, brighter future for myself and everyone in this world, praying for people other than myself to have happiness and peace. Lord knows - I'm changing.

The Revolution will not be televised,

because I honestly feel it starts with self. I'm on a mission to share love with everyone and help them let their inner light shine. I'm realizing how powerful I am.. my words and thoughts. I can deem you unworthy of my time, or I can see your pain and pray for your deliverance. I can dismiss, or I can lovingly educate. I can be offended, or I can remind myself that whatever offense is usually not about me and probably not intended. We can all get there together, but only if we remember we all play for the same team spiritually.

I love starting my birthday this way- writing thoughts at 7:55am, music singing sweetly out my iPhone speakers, and each of my cats to my left and right. I'm so thankful to see the sun rising out my window, golden and warm and greeting the world. I learned something over the course of this year that really stuck with me: no matter the weather, the sun is always shining. During every storm or cloudy day, it's still shining as radiantly and beautifully as ever. And with each night we can sleep knowing the sun will rise again in the morning.

I'm just thankful to see the sun rise again on December 30, 2020. Thank you God, the universe, my creator, Buddha, the Stars, Jupiter and Mars, 'cause I didn't have to be here. Wishing you all love and light as we embark on a new year.

Thanks for reading.

-M

#blog

Music: A Love Letter

For as long as I can remember, music has been central to my existence. Many years ago I remember my greatest wish was a gold 16 gb iPod nano, back when they were skinny and long and didn’t feature touchscreens. I must’ve been 13 or 14 when I asked my parents to buy me one for Christmas.

Admittedly, I was secretly a Christmas kid. It was nearly impossible for me to fall asleep every Christmas Eve until I was like 16, and even then I’d wake up around 4am asking my parents if I could open my presents. They always gave me a warm, sleepy “Yes” and would let me thank them properly at human hours in the morning. I’d rush to the tree (on 2 hours of sleep) in my pjs, tear open my gifts, and immediately start to play with my new gadget of choice.

The gold iPod nano was incredibly special to me. It glistened so brightly, could hold an unimaginable number of songs (at that time), and felt like pure luxury in my hands. Nothing could top the feeling of loading it up with music and blasting my ears away all night long.

Lights out in my bedroom, accompanied by darkness and the gentle glow of my iPod screen, I embarked on a musical journey through my never-ending world of music heroes. Lil Wayne, Gym Class Heroes, Utada Hikaru, Drake (before he was popular), The Smashing Pumpkins, Cibo Matto, Kanye (before he lost it), Common, L’Arc~en~ciel, BUCK-TICK, Jimi Hendrix, Three 6 Mafia, Led Zeppelin, Red Hot Chili Peppers, John Mayer, The Isley Brothers, Lil Kim, 112. I was always and still am super eclectic, due in no small part to my musician brother that loved guitar, Japanese music, and had an insatiable love for sound. My dad was also a former DJ in his youth, and my mom won dance competitions all over the city in hers.

My dad was a huge fan of the classics — Blue Magic, Earth, Wind & Fire, Marvin Gaye, The Jacksons (“Give Love on Christmas Day” will always take me right back to being five years old), Charlie Brown (“Christmastime is Here” may or may not bring tears to my eyes; what a gorgeous piece), disco, Shalamar, Sade, Michael Jackson solo, Tony! Toni! Toné!, and so on. My mom was always ready to snap her fingers when my dad would blast “It’s Our Anniversary” with his out of this world speakers, but would also have mini concerts of her own with Erykah Badu’s “Baduizm Live” on repeat from ’97. Even if I didn’t have an ounce of taste on my own, a deep appreciation for music was embedded in my DNA since I was a little boy. As my dad blasted music loud enough for the entire block to hear in my small childhood apartment, I’d hear him say “He’ll get used to it” as I tried to fall asleep. He was right, too - I slept like a baby and got an excellent education on clarity (he couldn’t stand static of any kind) and quality (he played nothing but the best 9 times out of 10).

Before I ever stepped into an acting or dance class in my teens, music was always the soundtrack to my life. Before I had a cellphone, I had an iPod world full of sound, variety, and inspiration. Before I ever touched a stage, I was obsessed with Janet Jackson’s “Live at Hawaii” special on TV, was compelled to skate to "Flashing Lights" and other favorites at the skating rink, and was a serious contender in Dance Dance Revolution, UmJammer Lammy, and Bust-A-Groove for the first Playstation. I guess I should’ve known that it would all be over once I experienced live drumming and piano music when I began to dance in college.

So what brought this up for me? Well, Christmas is Friday, and although the world has shifted in tremendous ways, I find myself remembering the simple pleasures of my childhood more as certain moments pass in 2020. Christmas was always a time where my dad would play his best music cuts, ranging from his childhood up until his favorite songs in the present day. And as I approach 28 at the end of this month, I realize music has led me through every rotation I’ve made around the sun.

I may change as the seasons do, but my love for music is a contract I made long before I arrived on this planet. In this life and surely in the next, music will always be my guiding light, my joy, my sorrow, and my inspiration.

A Blogging Journey

"Full Moon" - Photo by Malcolm McMichael

Hi friends! Thanks for taking the time to read this. I've always had a passion for writing and feel it's time to reintroduce that practice into my life. I've had blogs as a teenager, so it should be interesting to do this as an adult.

I'm following my curiosities these days. Exploring whatever feels right... Dancing, speaking, writing, revisiting movies I enjoyed as a child-- reconnecting with myself. It's amazing how stillness allows one to do that. I was "too busy" to really focus on myself and the simple things that made me smile before this pandemic, but now I know it's an essential for growth. "You have to know where you came from to know where you're going..."

I'm absolutely on a spiritual journey. That may seem controversial to some, but I find it grounding and empowering. I want to be my happiest self at all times. I've been sober lately, and I don't feel I have an issue with substance control, but my spirit has been craving clarity for some time now. I find it interesting as I approach my 28th birthday. I'm not sure if this is a life choice, but it absolutely feels like a good choice for now.

I want to be authentic above all else. Accolades and fame are nice, but I want to genuinely impact people through my life's work. I want to show people that kindness is the way and priority, that there's room for all of us to win, that whatever is promised to you will always be yours to have, that the universe is all our friend. I want to always choose joy, and to always be honest with people (lovingly). Freedom is the greatest currency for me.

I pray that we all find healing. I pray that we all come through this second / moment / lifetime more whole, more honest with ourselves, more fun, more interested in the deeper world around us, more like children. You don't have to tell kids to be interested in life -- they naturally are. They gravitate to what they like and feel no qualms about it, and they ask the questions they want answered. We can learn so much from them.

I guess I want to let people in and show my scars. Look at my imperfections, at my rambling thoughts, at my worries, at my mistakes, at my dreams. I'm such a human, and I know you are one, too. I'm not interested in wearing a mask for the world to see, to pretend that I'm someone I'm not. I just want to be me and by doing so encourage everyone around me to be who they are.

I'm not saying not to ever change -- change is a natural, necessary part of life. But I am saying we need to be honest with ourselves. I've tried convincing myself to feel different feelings, or my thinking "must be wrong," or silly things like that in my past. This no longer suits me, because it's simply not real. We all know what we like, who we like, what we want to do, what excites us about life, deep down. Our guts are way more intelligent than our brains, believe me.

So thanks for joining me on this stream of consciousness, whoever you are. If you are wondering anything or feeling like there's more to this life than meets the eye, don't worry, I've always felt that, too. Dare to think, feel, and live deeply. None of us are in this alone.

-M